Dealing with the Death of a Loved One

The death of a loved one is one of the most traumatic experiences in life, especially if the departed soul is a spouse, child, parent, sibling, or close friend. The trauma is greater if the death is unexpected, the person is young, and one’s life routine is deeply enmeshed with the departed soul, resulting in an emotional upheaval. The sense of loss is unbearable because the survivors grieve for losses that accompany the death of a loved one. The stress creates a crisis that most people are not equipped to handle. The feelings of grief are natural and to be expected in most cases. 

Why is it so Hard to Accept the Death of a Loved One?

Survivors go through an overwhelming gamut of emotions when they see the motionless body of their loved one. The harsh reality of a funeral is equally stressful and people experience total disbelief, excruciating pain, and total numbness. The knowledge that death means the loved one will no longer be around, makes it very difficult to accept the loss. Even after the funeral, survivors feel as if the departed soul is in the vicinity and reflect on times spent together in companionship. Difficulty with accepting the death of a loved one is manifest in many ways including loss of appetite, sleep, energy, hope, and the desire to live. Survivors are in the most vulnerable state.

 There are many reasons why it is hard to accept the death of a loved one, a few of which are described below.

1. A Deep Sense of Loss. If a person has not experienced the death of a loved one up close and personal, the shock and disbelief are greater. Even if people may have lost someone close in the past, the memory of those experiences further deepens the sense of loss. The loss of a loved one is akin to the loss of love and affection that fulfills a person, companionship that is the elixir of life, and the sheer physical presence of the person which is the source of tremendous emotional security. It appears as if one’s life plans and dreams are shattered due to sudden death. Equally important is that we all feel the need to love others as much as we need to be loved by others. Losing the object of love is also very traumatic.
2. A Strong Sense of Guilt. Most survivors feel responsible for the death of a loved one even though there may be no valid reason for it. People wonder if they could have done anything different that could have saved the person’s life. They wonder if they were so preoccupied with things in their life that they failed to observe the symptoms of ill health or physical discomfort. Survivors also feel guilty about overgeneralized past arguments and regret not letting go or loving the person more. Repeated flashbacks of the moment that the person passed away are particularly painful. Some also experience guilt upon wondering whether the departed soul was “ready to leave” without letting them know of their internal state of misery. Thus, they regret and mourn lost opportunities to make the most of their time with the person.
3. Unpredictability of Sudden Death. It is hard enough to deal with the death of a loved one even when people have the time to mentally prepare for it, for example, in the case of a terminal illness. However, sudden death leaves no time to prepare for the loss, say goodbye, or use the time to express one’s regrets or seek forgiveness for wrongdoing. It is the unpredictability of sudden death that is the source of shock and profound sadness. 
4. A Sense of Injustice. In cases where the loved one is young, for example, a child, the sense of injustice overwhelmingly prevails. Survivors question in grief and anger why God would let such an injustice take place where loved ones pass away before their parents or before their time (i.e., natural old age). 

5. Cognitive Dissonance. In many cultures, family members and friends surround the survivors for a few days after the death of a loved one and stay until the funeral is over. When they all leave to return to their own lives, the sudden sense of being alone may hit the survivors, especially if they are the only ones in the house. 

   The emptiness is very difficult to overcome when the harsh and practical reality of life jolts them when they are already in a state of shock. The need to take care of all kinds of bills, deal with possible financial concerns, manage household tasks, and carry out the responsibilities of the departed soul, is extremely bewildering. Even in cases where the relationship with the departed soul is not pleasant (e.g., ex-spouse, estranged sibling, a separated parent), their death can leave one struggling with a whole host of conflicting emotions and unresolved issues. Sudden death is even more traumatic for survivors who are mourning the loss of recently died loved ones. 

Such combined emotions are very difficult to process cognitively. However, the most painful part is not knowing how to move on in life without the loved one around whom the survivor’s life revolved. Such experiences lead to cognitive dissonance. 
 

When survivors experience such an overwhelming range of emotions all at one time, they are not able to cope with the depth of their suffering and do not know how to live a seemingly purposeless and empty life.

How Can We Cope with the Death of a Loved One? 

Given the intense grief following the death of a loved one, each person experiences grief differently and for different lengths of time. Some recover quickly with time if supported by a strong social network, whereas others may take longer to heal if they isolate themselves as they come to terms with their loss. 

Clinical psychologists and grief counselors have suggested strategies to enable survivors to cope with the death of a loved one, the primary purpose of which is to accept the reality. While this is by no means an exhaustive list, the purpose is to suggest some options that are most commonly recommended by professionals. 

1. Seek Social Support. Even though the last thing anyone may want to do is to talk to others about their loss, it is better to not be alone and allow close friends and family members to offer their comfort. It is good to seek support from those who also care deeply for the departed soul. Together, the survivors can support each other, understand each other’s grief, and find solace in reliving pleasant memories. If friends and relatives seem to lose patience or feel uncomfortable about listening to a survivor's grief, it is not a bad idea to join a support group of other members who are experiencing bereavement. Survivors can draw strength from others for resilience. 
2. Process Grief Through Conversations. Many close friends and family members struggle with how to provide support to a grieving person. Survivors may rely upon and confide in well-wishers who are eager to help by listening without judgment. It is perfectly alright to accept their offer to bring food, help with domestic chores, or support in any way that is helpful to the survivor. Such gestures strengthen the bond between people who may directly or indirectly be affected by the loss. 
3. Create a Different Routine in Life. The departed soul leaves but one or more survivors need to move on with their lives. It is important to take care of others in the family who are also grieving, especially children, by spending time with them instead of becoming enveloped in one’s own misery. Taking care of the physical and emotional health of surviving family members will enable people to build a new routine in life, slowly accept the loss, and move on as best as possible.  
4. Seek Professional Counseling. In addition to the above strategies, a grieving survivor has the option to seek grief counseling. Trained counselors can help with processing the death of a loved one in a healthy manner, provide advice on taking care of one’s physical health, relieve the person of feelings of guilt, enable resilience for living life without the departed soul, connect with a support group to help deal with the stress, and alleviate anxieties regarding the future. 

Even though the pain of losing a loved one never goes away entirely, the intensity decreases with time and acceptance of the loss. Studies have documented that survivors deal with their loss with a little more equanimity if they are spiritually inclined.

What Spiritual Knowledge Will Help Us to Deal with the Death of a Loved One? 

True spiritual knowledge has to do with conscious awareness of one’s true identity as the soul, the soul’s relationship with God, and ways to establish that relationship to fulfill the purpose of life. People traversing the spiritual journey, are better equipped to draw upon the critical knowledge to enable one to accept the death of a loved one and move on with life. While on the surface this may appear to be insensitive, in reality, spiritual knowledge can be a great source of inner strength. 

Here are some truths based on the divine knowledge of the Bhagavad Gita incorporated in Swamiji’s teachings and disseminated in His lectures, books, and personal stories.

1. Eternal Cycle of Life and Death. Regardless of the life form, the physical body is an instrument for the soul. During a single lifetime, humans change their physical form numerous times from infancy through old age. Death is like the body removing old clothes and putting on new ones. When the physical body is no longer capable of housing the soul, it leaves the defective body and is reincarnated into another suitable body based on one’s karmas. As Shree Krishna explained to Arjun: 

   जातस्य हि ध्रुवो मृत्युर्ध्रुवं जन्म मृतस्य च |
   तस्मादपरिहार्येऽर्थे न त्वं शोचितुमर्हसि || 27||

   jatasya hi dhruvo mrityur dhruvam janma mritasya cha
   tasmad apariharye ’rthe na tvam shochitum arhasi

   Death is certain for one who has been born, and rebirth is inevitable for one who has died. Therefore, you should not lament over the inevitable (BG 2.27). 

   The message is to not lament the loss and focus instead on improving our karma in the existing life for a better next life. 

2. The Soul is Eternal. We all have existed since eternity and rotated in the 8.4 million species of life. This point is beautifully explained by Shree Krishna to Arjun, advising him to not grieve for those who will die in the Mahabharat war.

   देहिनोऽस्मिन्यथा देहे कौमारं यौवनं जरा |
   तथा देहान्तरप्राप्तिर्धीरस्तत्र न मुह्यति || 13||

   dehino ’smin yatha dehe kaumaram yauvanam jara
   tatha dehantara-praptir dhiras tatra na muhyati

   Just as the embodied soul continuously passes from childhood to youth to old age, similarly, at the time of death, the soul passes into another body. The wise are not deluded by this (BG 2.13).

   In Questions You Always Wanted to Ask, Swamiji described how some individuals did remember their past lives and connected with their past relatives, however, this is not the norm. The more important thing about these stories is the evidence that only the body dies but the soul is eternal. 

3. All Worldly Relationships are Temporary. The eternal soul, in its infinite journey of life and death in different life forms, has had an infinite number of relatives. All the relatives, including the departed soul, are related to us for a single lifetime. 

   Thus, it may be more productive to think of how to make this human form more worthwhile by establishing our connection with the Supreme Lord and fulfilling the purpose of our lives. Thus, as Swamiji says, “We must develop the spirit of detachment and renunciation with the understanding that all things and relationships are temporary and will wither away someday. The wisdom is in seeking our soul beloved, God, who will always be with us.” Shree Krishna communicated this divine knowledge to Arjun:

   गतिर्भर्ता प्रभु: साक्षी निवास: शरणं सुहृत् |
   प्रभव: प्रलय: स्थानं निधानं बीजमव्ययम् || 18||

   gatir bharta prabhuh sakshi nivasah sharanam suhrit
   prabhavah pralayah sthanam nidhanam bijam avyayam

   I am the Supreme Goal of all living beings, and I am also their Sustainer, Master, Witness, Abode, Shelter, and Friend. I am the Origin, End, and Resting Place of creation; I am the Repository and Eternal Seed (BG 9.18). 

   Swamiji beautifully explained in His commentary on the above verse that none of the temporary relatives give us the perfect love that souls aspire for. Such unconditional love is possible only with God. Thus, those experiencing intense grief over the death of a loved one, are deeply attached to the departed soul who fulfilled their selfish desires. From the platform of the soul, God is our only true and eternal relative. 

4. Obliviousness of the Divine Knowledge. Theoretically, we all know that we (the souls) will leave this body someday, yet, drawn into the immediate pleasures of the material world, we tend to forget this critical piece of knowledge. A popular story in the Mahabharat encapsulates the conversation between Yudhisthir and a Yaksha (i.e., Yamaraj in disguise). 

   Yudhisthir was answering the Yaksha’s questions as a precondition for accessing water from the lake. Of the sixty questions he asked, one was “What is the most surprising thing in this world?” Yudhisthir gave a very thought-provoking response. He said that even though people die at each moment in life, and survivors witness this phenomenon, they do not realize that someday they too will die. 

   Similarly, survivors do not realize that their loved ones will die too. Shree Krishna explained to Arjun that life is an inescapable dead end, and so a wise person does not lament over the inevitable. Surrendered souls accept all circumstances as the grace of God. 

   श्रीभगवानुवाच |
   अशोच्यानन्वशोचस्त्वं प्रज्ञावादांश्च भाषसे |
   गतासूनगतासूंश्च नानुशोचन्ति पण्डिता: || 11||

   shri bhagavan uvacha
   ashochyan-anvashochas-tvam prajna-vadansh cha bhashase
   gatasun-agatasunsh-cha nanushochanti panditah

   The Supreme Lord said: While you speak words of wisdom, you are mourning for that which is not worthy of grief. The wise lament neither for the living nor for the dead (BG 2.11). 

5. The Wisdom of Letting Go. In talking about how to overcome the death of a loved one, Swamiji has beautifully explained the importance of moving on for the sake of both – the survivor and the departed soul that may experience pain upon the pain of the survivors. The human form is too precious to waste it in grief. As per the Hindu tradition, after the allocated grieving period is over, survivors may redirect their love toward God/Guru and seek solace in serving them to accomplish the purpose of life. 

   It is important to not let one’s attachment to the deceased become an obstacle in the spiritual journey. This is because we do not know when we will die. If the mind is attached to anyone in the material world at the time of death, that is the state that will be attained in the next life. As Shree Krishna explained to Arjun:

   यं यं वापि स्मरन्भावं त्यजत्यन्ते कलेवरम् |
   तं तमेवैति कौन्तेय सदा तद्भावभावित: || 6||

   yam yam vapi smaran bhavam tyajatyante kalevaram
   tam tam evaiti kaunteya sada tad-bhava-bhavitah

   Whatever one remembers upon giving up the body at the time of death, O son of Kunti, one attains that state, being always absorbed in such contemplation (BG 8.6).

   Keeping this wisdom in mind, survivors can move on in life after the death of a loved one.