Managing Personal Relationships

Why Do Relationships Fail?

If we ask psychologists or counselors, they will provide a plethora of reasons for failed relationships. From poor communication to untrustworthiness and everything in between, failed relationships are usually attributed to multiple causes. Swamiji shares very thoughtful explanations and strategies for mending failed relationships.

• Unrealistic Expectations. All relationships in the material world are conditional in nature. When mutual expectations are fulfilled, problems do not manifest. However, it is virtually impossible to fulfill everyone’s expectations all the time. Expectations of others imply an element of selfishness. When the expectations are not met, the relationship starts going downhill. Relationship experts label this as incompatibility, loss of trust, putting the burden of your happiness on someone else, etc.

  The Bhagavad Gita beautifully explains this as a function of different gunas (sattvic, rajasic, or tamasic; BG 14.5 to 14.10). Everyone’s “chitta-vritti” or temperament is different, influenced by their gunas. The material states keep fluctuating and result in conflicts when people’s gunas are different. The lesson to learn here is to accept that conflicts will occur because the mind is made of maya, and to eliminate our expectations of others to control our own pleasure and disappointments.

• Imbalance in Reciprocity. Relationship experts say that lack of time for others, poor communication, jealousy, and complaining about trivial things may lead to downfall. Swamiji explains in 7 Divine Laws that relationships are like bank balances; one must make sufficient deposits before making withdrawals. Deposits are made in the form of smiles, praise, love, affection, assistance, overlooking faults, sacrificing time, and supporting the other’s goals. Withdrawals are in the form of instructions, reprimand, coercion, correction, disagreements, or negative interactions in general. Conflicts arise when we make greater withdrawals compared to deposits. The lesson to learn here is to make sufficient emotional deposits so the withdrawals will not create an imbalance in relationships.

• Taking Relationships for Granted. Experts characterize this issue as one where someone weighs the relationship as a bargain – assumes the levelheaded partner will make all the sacrifices, makes decisions without the partner’s input, is dishonest, and expresses excessive anger knowing that the partner will not leave.

  Swamiji says that when people become very secure in their relationship, they stop making emotional deposits with the assumption that previous deposits will last forever. They forget to engage in acts of affection and kindness or appreciate the loving gestures of the partner (or any other person). People forget that relationships sustain love, not lust (selfishness) or business (give-and-take). A healthy relationship is founded on responsibility. Refusal to take responsibility to maintain a relationship and to own mistakes can destroy the foundation. The lesson to learn here is to be willing to take the responsibility to change ourselves and to take care of others for a smoother relationship.

Can Relationships be Perfect?

In 7 Divine Laws, Swamiji says that there is a test of true love. “True love is that where there is a reason for it to be destroyed, and yet it continues unabated” (p. 122). The spiritual perspective is to understand the true nature of relationships. 

All worldly relationships are both, self-serving and temporary in nature. As materially conditioned souls, we are not equipped with selflessness. Even when two people are influenced by sattva guna, the quantity of the guna may be different, resulting in a conflict sooner or later when self-serving needs are not met. With respect to the length of relationships, even though we may be related to others through birth, marriage, or social networks, these ties will be severed forever upon death. The only permanent and perfect relationship that the soul has is with God. God is our only eternal relative who loves us unconditionally. If we understand the secret of true and divine love, our worldly relationships will also improve. Lord Krishna tells Arjun:

गतिर्भर्ता प्रभु: साक्षी निवास: शरणं सुहृत् |
प्रभव: प्रलय: स्थानं निधानं बीजमव्ययम् ||18||

gatir bhartā prabhuḥ sākṣhī nivāsaḥ śharaṇaṁ suhṛit
prabhavaḥ pralayaḥ sthānaṁ nidhānaṁ bījam avyayam (BG 9.18)

With respect to the above verse, Swamiji has explained that we become attached to and rely upon the support of worldly relatives. However, none of them can give us the perfect love for which our soul yearns because the soul is a tiny fragment of God, and its eternal relationship is with Him.

What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

A truly healthy relationship necessitates sacrifice, understanding, tolerance, and patience, not just occasionally but consistently across time. Swamiji says that we should develop the perspective of bhakti or seva-bhav to discharge the responsibility to God by taking care of other people. This will require some detachment but will help us to make the relationship work without feeling resentful about care-taking in the long run. We will take care of other souls, whether family members, friends or colleagues, to please God. We need to reprogram our intellect to improve our relationships by developing spiritual intelligence (see 7 Divine Laws, pp. 125).

Swamiji further adds that we need to perfect our own relationship with God before we can develop seva-bhav toward others. A true relationship with God is selfless; not bartering for favors, nor asking for worldly rewards for seva completed or to be done in the future. God is pleased only by the loving devotion of the devotees for His pleasure.

Here are some strategies based on tatvagyan to improve existing relationships.

• Strengthen your own personal relationship with God.

• Bring God into the relationship. Think of the relationship as sacred. Love God more than your partner, child, or anyone else. Help each other grow in your relationship with God. Rely on God and each other when times are difficult.

• Family members can engage in devotional activities together. They can pray together, study the scriptures together, pray for each other, and pray for others outside the family who need help. Make helping others a relationship goal.

• Family members and friends can make it a goal to engage in seva for God and Guru as a family.

• Attend Satsangs together before going on an outing or a date.

• Ask God to help you change your negative attitudes or relationship problems.