Dealing with Setbacks

A setback in life is defined as a reversal in progress on some goal, whether worldly or spiritual. Setbacks or obstacles present temporary roadblocks which we must endure and overcome to move forward in life. In his lectures, Swamiji has explained that there are three types of setbacks that human beings encounter in the course of their lives – adiatmik (i.e., physical or mental suffering, e.g., illnesses, anger, lust, greed); adibhautik (i.e., suffering inflicted by other living creatures, e.g., robbery, abuse, animal attack); and adideivik (i.e., suffering due to elements of nature, e.g., lightning, tornado, hailstorm). If we understand the causes of setbacks, we will be better equipped to find the remedies. So, let us first understand why we are adversely affected by setbacks.

Why Do Setbacks Affect Us Adversely? 

Psychologists may say that shock and awe of an unpredicted setback cause cognitive dissonance. We do not know how to deal with a setback for which there is no previous history upon which to rely. Also, setbacks have a dual effect; these deprive us of access to pleasurable things and force us to struggle with unknown or unpleasant things. When we cannot find an immediate solution to a problem, we experience a great deal of physical and/or mental distress due to an inability to exercise control over challenging situations. Such a state of distress is very aversive, leading to an immediate reaction of flight or fight. Such a reactive state evokes emotions like extreme anger, blame, exaggerated feelings of personal loss, and negativity in general.

Even individuals who are spiritually inclined, tend to blame God for their mishaps or fall into the trap of thinking that God has forgotten them in the time of need. They may lose faith or walk away from God and Guru. But, if situated in the true knowledge of the scriptures, they will perceive difficulties as a way to attach the mind to the divine realm.

How Should We Perceive Setbacks? 

Our perspective toward setbacks is critical. Swamiji has explained to us in the past that something that appears to be a good thing at one time, may appear to be a bad thing at another in time, and vice versa. The perspective to adopt is that God presents setbacks to teach us mental austerities. In the long run, challenges lead to internal growth and thus, should be perceived as a blessing. Many of us want immediate happiness (i.e., preya) and we choose to forgo the pain involved in the pursuit of true knowledge. However, those who are situated in knowledge, bear the immediate pain and experience pleasure later in life (i.e., shreya). So, when setbacks occur, it is better to listen to the logical intellect than to the weak mind that focuses on the immediate gratification of the senses. It is more productive to reflect on the lesson that God wants us to learn. 

Internal contemplation almost always teaches us humility. We recognize that we do not have the ability or power to control adiatmik, adibhautik or adideivik setbacks. We need to believe that challenges teach us things that we would not have learned otherwise. This perspective helps us to become spiritually stronger. We need to accept that we are "works in progress" and hence should embrace rather than run away from difficulties. It is in this state of helplessness that we are more likely to surrender to God and beg Him to grace us with the qualities needed to face the setbacks fearlessly. 

बुद्धिर्ज्ञानमसम्मोह: क्षमा सत्यं दम: शम: |
सुखं दु:खं भवोऽभावो भयं चाभयमेव च ||4||
अहिंसा समता तुष्टिस्तपो दानं यशोऽयश: |
भवन्ति भावा भूतानां मत्त एव पृथग्विधा: ||5||

buddhir jñānam asammohaḥ kṣhamā satyaṁ damaḥ śhamaḥ
sukhaṁ duḥkhaṁ bhavo ’bhāvo bhayaṁ chābhayameva cha
ahinsā samatā tuṣhṭis tapo dānaṁ yaśho ’yaśhaḥ
bhavanti bhāvā bhūtānāṁ matta eva pṛithag-vidhā

From me alone arise the varieties in the qualities amongst humans, such as intellect, knowledge, clarity of thought, forgiveness, truthfulness, control over the senses and mind, joy and sorrow, birth and death, fear and courage, non-violence, equanimity, contentment, austerity, charity, fame, and infamy (BG 10.4 & 10.5).

Another critical perspective is the belief that in God’s court, there is only justice, never injustice. Setbacks that we perceive as adverse and aversive, are consequences of our own past karmas and designed to help purify our hearts. Such acceptance with humility helps us to become eligible to attract divine grace.

Finally, many of us hold the perspective that our happiness is associated with certain types of events or people, and when all the beneficial variables are in place, we will become happy. To quote Swamiji, “Happiness is not the end of sorrow but an internal state of mind that is not influenced by external events.”

In 7 Mindsets to Success, Happiness and Fulfillment, Swamiji has explained that setbacks should be perceived as opportunities to learn and grow. He provides the tangible benefits of a setback (p. 237):

• It always gets our attention; we cannot ignore it.
• It causes us to evaluate our situation. It is an opportunity for self-discovery.
• It challenges us with failure and forces us to tap every sinew of our resource, thereby bringing out the best in us.
• It makes us internally strong. As Robert H. Schuller, an American pastor and author said: ‘Tough times do not last, but tough people do.’

We can draw inspiration from the biographies of well-known people like Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, Margaret Mitchell, Alexander Bell, the Orville brothers, Soichiro Honda, etc. as a testament that facing difficulties makes us stronger. 

How Can We Overcome Setbacks In Life?

In many of his lectures, Swamiji has shared the beautiful example of Kunti Devi. When Lord Krishna told her to ask for a boon, Kunti Devi asked for difficulties in life. Upon Shree Krishna’s surprise, she explained that the Lord always came to the aid of the Pandavas during their most difficult times. To experience the bliss of Shree Krishna’s presence, she asked for setbacks. Given that we are not elevated souls like Kunti Devi, the point here is to develop a more positive approach when faced with setbacks in life.

In the Purpose of Life lecture series on YouTube, Swamiji presented the example of Sindhutai Sapkal from Maharashtra, India. She suffered insurmountable setbacks but found her inner inspiration when she saw the sufferings of others. She discovered the purpose of her life and left a mark in the world by improving the lives of orphan children. The point here is not that challenges are easy, nor that the inner strength surfaces by magic. The point is to draw upon our inner resources. 

Tap into the Inner Inspiration. Swamiji beautifully says that enthusiasm is the fuel that makes us move forward in life. If enthusiastic, we will propel ourselves toward success, excellence and achievement in spite of challenges. If not inspired, even small difficulties will appear insurmountable like a mountain. Inspiration is what distinguishes an average person from one who is excellent. Our beliefs influence our thought patterns and shape our values which, in turn, determine our course of action. People who are motivated from within, do not feel dejected when faced with setbacks. They draw upon their inner strengths, beliefs, values and inspirational thoughts. 

Remember how Mr. Soichiro Honda’s inner resource carried him forward against all odds including corporate rejections and destruction from natural and economic disasters. Even when he lost everything in life, he did not lose his enthusiasm; propelled by his inner inspiration, he got everything back. Inspiration helps to bring focus to apply the mind toward the desired actions without distraction.

In the Purpose of Life lecture series, Swamiji has also narrated the amazing and inspirational true story of Liz Murray! She clearly found her “why power” to succeed in life against all odds. It is hard to imagine how inspired a person must be to rise from a state of homelessness to becoming a Harvard scholar. Grit, hard work, and sheer perseverance propelled her to accomplish her purpose in life. We have to be more persistent than the difficulty presented by challenging circumstances.

Tolerate Discomfort. In his opening talk on the SMEx platform (see below), Swamiji said that we all need to learn to tolerate discomfort. We all want comfort but internal growth begins at the end of our comfort zone. We tend to run away from discomfort, however, in reality, the discomfort is very beneficial for us. 

An example of not being able to tolerate discomfort or pain is when we are hungry. We seek immediate gratification by eating food – whatever we crave for at that moment, even if it not good for health. We cannot tolerate hunger; that’s how people become obese over time. We choose immediate pleasure over growth, leading to diseases of the body and mind. Tolerating discomfort one step at a time leads to eventual mastery. 

The same concept applies when we think about relational discomfort. When people behave badly with us or hurt us, we need to tolerate the pain of humiliation. This will teach us to be humble. So, we must learn to forego the immediate pleasure of seeking revenge by retaliating. Swamiji teaches us to choose what is better in the long run by increasing the ability to tolerate discomfort. 

Cultivate Positive Characteristics. Swamiji says that one of the many arts is the art of happiness, for which we need to appropriately orchestrate our emotions, thoughts, sentiments, feelings and attitude. This art is accessible to everyone because it is an internal resource. If we repeatedly focus on happy thoughts, the mind generates a positive attitude. When this attitude solidifies, it becomes a mindset. Often people manufacture unhappiness where there is no reason to be unhappy. Swamiji presents some mental strategies to overcome setbacks:

1. We should accept that problems are a way of life and expect these to occur. When we expect unavoidable problems to occur, we will be more mentally prepared to manage setbacks. For example, if we accept that life does not follow a linear path, we will not be surprised when we lose a job or become ill.
2. The first attitude will enable us to anticipate problems (e.g., there will be difficulties in the journey of life, both worldly and spiritual). If we live in the tornado alley, we must expect that tornadoes will occur and possibly someday, we may become homeless. The most we can do is to predict and prepare but the outcome is not in our hands. 
3. Once a problem hits us, there is no choice but to face it with courage. Running away does not help. Worse, we may not be able to run from some setbacks. For example, if hit by a blizzard, there is not much we can control except taking appropriate precautions to be safe and warm. Being anxious or terrified does not help. So, draw upon the inner reserves to stay inspired and increase inner resilience.
4. Once we face a problem, we must put it in its proper perspective. We do not need to make the problem bigger than its dimensions. We must think of people who have bigger problems than ours. For example, when we lose electricity, internet connection and water service during a blizzard, we can think about how serious the condition must be for homeless people dealing with bone-chilling cold. Such an attitude will teach us to feel grateful for everything we have received rather than complain about discomfort. Also, helping others to deal with setbacks can be very uplifting and help us to forget our own discomfort.
5. We must all learn from setbacks. If we make mistakes, we must face the consequences, learn the lessons, persevere, move ahead, and keep growing by experiencing austerities. For example, if hit by a tragedy, we expect relatives and friends to come to our aid and rescue us. We feel disillusioned if they run in the opposite direction. The situation teaches us about the temporary nature of our material relationships and the permanence of the relationship with God. We can develop inner resilience and deeper attachment to God from this realization.   

Finally, we end with a very inspirational thought, Shree Krishna tells Arjun (BG 18.58):

मच्चित्त: सर्वदुर्गाणि मत्प्रसादात्तरिष्यसि |
अथ चेत्वमहङ्कारान्न श्रोष्यसि विनङ्क्ष्यसि ||58||

mach-chittaḥ sarva-durgāṇi mat-prasādāt tariṣhyasi
atha chet tvam ahankārān na śhroṣhyasi vinaṅkṣhyas

If you remember me always, by my grace you will overcome all obstacles and difficulties. But if, due to pride, you do not listen to my advice, you will perish.