Building Healthy Relationships: Insights from Vedic Wisdom
In our interconnected world, the ability to develop and maintain harmonious relationships is as crucial as nourishing our bodies. Whether personal or professional, relationships require time and effort to nurture, yet can be damaged in an instant. As we navigate the complexities of human connections, many of us have experienced both successful and unsuccessful relationships, often pondering why things went awry.
In this exploration, we will delve into the wisdom of Vedic knowledge (i.e., tattvagyan) taught by Swami Mukundananda, shedding light on this age-old challenge. We will examine why relationships fail, whether perfect relationships exist, and what constitutes a healthy relationship. Moreover, we will present practical tools to help you improve the quality of personal connections.
Why Do Relationships Fail?
While psychologists and counselors often provide numerous reasons for failed relationships, ranging from poor communication to untrustworthiness, Swami Mukundananda offers profound insights into the root causes of relationship breakdowns:
1. Unrealistic Expectations
All relationships in the material world are conditional in nature. When mutual expectations are fulfilled, problems rarely manifest. However, it's virtually impossible to meet everyone's expectations all the time. Expecting others to behave in a certain way implies an element of selfishness, and when these expectations are not met, the relationship begins to deteriorate.
The Bhagavad Gita beautifully explains this phenomenon as a function of different gunas (i.e., sattvic, rajasic, or tamasic):
प्रकृते: क्रियमाणानि गुणै: कर्माणि सर्वश: |
अहङ्कारविमूढात्मा कर्ताहमिति मन्यते || 27||
prakriteh kriyamanani gunaih karmani sarvashah
ahankara-vimudhatma kartaham iti manyate
All our activities are carried out by the three modes of material nature. But in ignorance, the soul, deluded by false identification with the body, thinks itself to be the doer (Bhagavad Gita 3.27).
Everyone's chitta-vritti or temperament is different, influenced by their gunas. As people's material states fluctuate, their gunas differ too, leading to conflicts. The key lesson here is to (a) accept that conflicts will occur because the mind is made of Maya, and (b) eliminate our expectations of others to take responsibility for our happiness and disappointments.
2. Imbalance in Reciprocity
In his book 7 Divine Laws to Awaken Your Best Self, Swami Mukundananda explains that relationships are like bank balances; one must make sufficient deposits before making withdrawals. Deposits come in the form of smiles, praise, love, affection, assistance, overlooking faults, sacrificing time, and supporting the other's goals. Withdrawals occur through instructions, reprimands, coercion, correction, disagreements, or negative interactions in general.
Conflicts arise when we make greater withdrawals compared to deposits. The lesson here is to (a) make sufficient emotional deposits so that withdrawals will not create an imbalance in relationships (4:1 ratio of deposits to withdrawals), and (b) give the other person the benefit of the doubt for their ill-tempered behavior. Maybe they are just having a bad day due to unknown circumstances. The implication is to not take things personally.
3. Taking Relationships for Granted
When people become very secure in their relationships, they often stop making emotional deposits, assuming that previous deposits will last forever. They forget to engage in acts of affection and kindness or appreciate the loving gestures of their partner or others.
Swami Mukundananda reminds us that relationships are sustained on love, not lust (i.e., selfishness) or business (i.e., give-and-take). A healthy relationship is founded on responsibility. Refusal to take responsibility for maintaining a relationship and to own mistakes can destroy its foundation. The key is to be willing to (a) change our own attitude and take care of others for smoother relationships, and (b) accept the knowledge that another person’s bad behavior does not similarly justify reciprocation.
Can Relationships Be Perfect?
In 7 Divine Laws to Awaken Your Best Self, Swami Mukundananda presents a test of true love: "True love is that where there is a reason for it to be destroyed, and yet it continues unabated" (p. 122). This spiritual perspective helps us understand the true nature of relationships.
All worldly relationships are both self-serving and temporary. As materially conditioned souls, we are not equipped with selflessness. Even when two people are influenced by sattva guna or the mode of goodness, the quantity of the guna may differ, resulting in eventual conflict when the self-serving needs of one person are not met.
Moreover, although we may be related to others through birth, marriage, or social networks, these ties will be severed upon death. The only permanent and perfect relationship the soul has is with God. As Lord Krishna explained to Arjun:
गतिर्भर्ता प्रभु: साक्षी निवास: शरणं सुहृत् |
प्रभव: प्रलय: स्थानं निधानं बीजमव्ययम् || 18||
gatir bharta prabhuh sakshi nivasah sharanam suhrit
prabhavah pralayah sthanam nidhanam bijam avyayam
I am the goal, the sustainer, the master, the witness, the abode, the refuge, and the most dear friend. I am the creation and the annihilation, the basis of everything, the resting place and the eternal seed (Bhagavad Gita 9.18).
If we understand the secret of true and divine love, our worldly relationships will also improve. God is our only eternal relative who loves us unconditionally.
What Makes a Healthy Relationship in the Material World?
A truly healthy relationship necessitates sacrifice, understanding, tolerance, and patience, not just occasionally but consistently across time. Swami Mukundananda advises us to develop the perspective of bhakti or seva-bhav (i.e., attitude of service) to discharge our responsibility to God by taking care of other people.
This approach requires some detachment but helps us make relationships work without feeling resentful about caretaking in the long run. We must take care of other souls, whether family members, friends, or colleagues, to please God, not others or ourselves. This requires reprogramming our intellect to improve relationships by developing spiritual intelligence.
Additionally, we need to perfect our own relationship with God before we can develop seva-bhav toward others. A true relationship with God is selfless; not bartering for favors, nor asking for worldly rewards for seva completed or to be done in the future. God is pleased only by the loving devotion of devotees for His pleasure.
Strategies to Improve Existing Relationships
Based on Vedic tattvagyan, here are some strategies to enhance your relationships:
- Strengthen your personal relationship with God.
- Bring God into your relationships. Think of them as sacred.
- Love God more than your partner, child, or anyone else.
- Help each other grow in your relationship with God.
- Rely on God and each other during difficult times.
- Engage in devotional activities together as a family.
- Study scriptures together and pray for each other and others in need.
- Make helping others a relationship goal.
- Engage in seva for God and Guru as you do for family or friends.
- Attend Satsangs together before going on outings or dates.
- Ask God to help you change negative attitudes or resolve relationship problems.
Conclusion: The Path to Harmonious Relationships
As we navigate the complex terrain of human relationships, the wisdom of Vedic knowledge offers us a compass. By understanding the root causes of relationship failures, recognizing the nature of perfect love, and implementing strategies rooted in spiritual principles, we can cultivate healthier, more fulfilling connections with others.
Remember, the journey to better relationships begins with our relationship with the Divine. As we strengthen our bond with God, we develop the capacity for selfless love, patience, and understanding – the cornerstones of harmonious relationships.
May this wisdom disseminated by Swami Mukundananda guide you in nurturing your relationships, and bring more love, compassion, and harmony into your life and the lives of those around you.
FAQs
What does the Bhagavad Gita say about worldly relationships?
The Bhagavad Gita teaches us about the concept of worldly detachment. We do not need to withdraw from worldly relationships but to not become overly attached to anyone because all worldly relationships are temporary. Also, by practicing detachment, we can minimize the impact of false expectations and disappointments on our relationships.
What is true love?
True love is selfless, unconditional, and entails responsibility and sacrifice for the pleasure of the one whom we love. Relationships in the material world rarely meet these criteria because we do not discriminate between love, lust, and business. True love is immeasurable or unquantifiable.
What knowledge should we keep in mind to detach from worldly relatives?
Humans are expected to rise above and detach from materialistic desires that burn us. We need to understand that the bliss our soul is searching for cannot be found in materialistic gains. We need to remember that we are not the body but a divine soul. The bliss that the soul is searching for cannot be found in worldly acquisitions.
All our worldly relationships will last only one lifetime. If we stay cognizant of this fact, it will help us to be detached internally while performing our responsibilities externally. If we learn to apply this knowledge, observing the process of self-transformation can be very uplifting.
Resources:
Mukundananda, S. (2022). Bhagavad Gita – The Song of God, Westland Publications: Chennai, India.
Mukundananda, S. (2021). 7 Divine Laws to Awaken Your Best Self, HarperCollins Publishers: Noida, India.